Sleep

I had an interesting conversation with an agent yesterday. Get James Bond out of your head, I mean a literary agent. The first thing she said, upon picking up the phone, was ‘you’re not my father.’

Granted, this is an unusual way to start a conversation but entirely accurate. In one sentence she rather cleverly exposed the shortcomings of the subterfuge I employed to get me past the receptionist.

In my defence I had tried to speak to her in the traditional manner, but each time she offered, via the receptionist, rather feeble excuses for not taking my call – mostly to do with meetings.

I wouldn’t say I’ve been stalking this agent, that would be going to far, but I have read her website thoroughly and even e-mailed a couple of her authors, to get a feel for her, so to speak. All of the authors responded with glowing reports about her professionalism, although one did say she was a little ‘hard’ to get hold of.

Anyway I apologised for getting off on the wrong foot, and she accepted my mitigation that her website clearly indicated that prospective authors of non-fiction should call first before submitting manuscripts. I gave her my now, well-oiled spiel…

            ‘Mmmm… the thing is Mike, I like the idea, in principle, but I’m not sure I could sell it in the current climate. Mmmm…’ I immediately pictured her taking off a pair of horn-rimmed glasses and rubbing her eyes. ‘I’m not even sure I’d get time to read it… but… Oh, I’ll tell you what, send it over, who needs sleep anyway, send it over, I’ll have a look at it…’

I put the phone down a happy man and sent the stuff over immediately, before she went into a meeting. And then it occurred to me.

It’s what she said about sleep, ‘who needs sleep anyway…’

Why do we indeed sleep? I had a look on the inter-webby, wifi thing. Plenty of conspiracy theories about sleep, but nothing rock solid – no facts.

Some eminent sorts think it’s an evolutionary throw back, and like the tails we used to sport, will disappear over time.

But, in truth, no one knows why we sleep, not even KJPBT had anything to say on the subject, although I noticed the trailer for her latest revelation about the trauma of divorce from Peter mentioned sleepless nights.

Now, if we didn’t need sleep we’d get more done. My friendly agent would easily have time to read my manuscript. One by one I’m knocking off the reasons why I can’t get published. So now, I just need to sit back and wait until evolution kicks in sufficiently for the human race not to need sleep – simples, as they say in Meerkat Manor.

Mind you, thinking about how to manoeuvre myself through the publishing minefield is, I must admit, knackering. In fact, I’m feeling a little sleepy now…

This is not a Blog...

I better start with an apology. It’s been some weeks since my last entry. Sorry. But naturally, I have an excuse. I’ve been avoiding publicity. Why? To get more publicity of course. I know what you’re thinking: raving bonkers. Well, you’re wrong mush – I’ve picked this tip up from the experts.

You might recall a couple of blogs ago that I mentioned Peter Andrea, whoever he is, and Katie Jordan Price Big Tits, whoever they are, seem to be famous for, well, being famous.

I’ve since discovered that they’re splitting up. Yep, they sent out a press release asking that their privacy be respected at this difficult time. Genius.

Since then there has been a steady flow of features and articles about the couple – usually accompanied with a picture of KJPBT drowning her sorrows on a strangers lap, dressed only in a belt and lipstick.

So you see, not having publicity is the new publicity. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. I’ve been working on my press release and I thought I’d share the last draft with you:

Mike Millard, new, struggling author, is splitting up with himself. He hopes the media understand how upsetting this is for both him and himself and ask that his, and his self’s privacy is respected at this time.

He would like to place on public record the deep admiration he continues to have for himself and that he will do everything in his power to ensure the split is amicable. He is very unlikely to be seen in any of London’s trendy nightspots and equally unlikely to be seated on any laps. He has never knowingly worn lipstick.

Ends

OK, it needs a bit of work, but it’s nearly there. By my reckoning I’ll be serialised in The Sun by the end of the week. This is the start of something big.

I’m so confident about this I’m going to apply it to my commercial writing. I’m going to start by writing to my clients to inform them I don’t want any more work from them. You watch: it’ll pile in.

I’m also going to ask the people at www.authonomy.com to not read my book. One of the pitfalls I’ve found with this site is that you have to keep plugging your book to get it onto other authors’ bookshelves. The number of bookshelves you reside on, the higher up the charts you go. But there are a lot implied threats – people offer to read your book, but only if you’ll read theirs. They don’t actually say it, but you know what they mean – you scratch my back…

I’ve put plan B into action (or is that plan H, not sure) and am resuming my hoiking around agents and publishers, but with a difference. This time I’m going to ask them not to consider it for publication. Yep, not being published is the new published…