This is not a Blog...

I better start with an apology. It’s been some weeks since my last entry. Sorry. But naturally, I have an excuse. I’ve been avoiding publicity. Why? To get more publicity of course. I know what you’re thinking: raving bonkers. Well, you’re wrong mush – I’ve picked this tip up from the experts.

You might recall a couple of blogs ago that I mentioned Peter Andrea, whoever he is, and Katie Jordan Price Big Tits, whoever they are, seem to be famous for, well, being famous.

I’ve since discovered that they’re splitting up. Yep, they sent out a press release asking that their privacy be respected at this difficult time. Genius.

Since then there has been a steady flow of features and articles about the couple – usually accompanied with a picture of KJPBT drowning her sorrows on a strangers lap, dressed only in a belt and lipstick.

So you see, not having publicity is the new publicity. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. I’ve been working on my press release and I thought I’d share the last draft with you:

Mike Millard, new, struggling author, is splitting up with himself. He hopes the media understand how upsetting this is for both him and himself and ask that his, and his self’s privacy is respected at this time.

He would like to place on public record the deep admiration he continues to have for himself and that he will do everything in his power to ensure the split is amicable. He is very unlikely to be seen in any of London’s trendy nightspots and equally unlikely to be seated on any laps. He has never knowingly worn lipstick.

Ends

OK, it needs a bit of work, but it’s nearly there. By my reckoning I’ll be serialised in The Sun by the end of the week. This is the start of something big.

I’m so confident about this I’m going to apply it to my commercial writing. I’m going to start by writing to my clients to inform them I don’t want any more work from them. You watch: it’ll pile in.

I’m also going to ask the people at www.authonomy.com to not read my book. One of the pitfalls I’ve found with this site is that you have to keep plugging your book to get it onto other authors’ bookshelves. The number of bookshelves you reside on, the higher up the charts you go. But there are a lot implied threats – people offer to read your book, but only if you’ll read theirs. They don’t actually say it, but you know what they mean – you scratch my back…

I’ve put plan B into action (or is that plan H, not sure) and am resuming my hoiking around agents and publishers, but with a difference. This time I’m going to ask them not to consider it for publication. Yep, not being published is the new published…