Parking

Regular blog-ees will know that I am occasionally prone to the odd rant.

Some consider ranting a futile exercise given that nothing ever really gets changed as the result of one. But, I would argue that these poor unenlightened souls are missing the point. Rants are the release valve on the steam engine that is everyday life. Letting fly at the iniquitous shit that’s thrown at us is remarkably cathartic. Ranting should be available on the NHS. And we all know the NHS needs a purpose.

The NHS used to be cutting edge. In 1962 they performed the world’s first kidney transplant. Two years later they replaced the first hip, a few years after, a heart. In the 1980s they successfully ripped out a heart, lung and liver in the same operation and replaced them with some others they had lying about.

When the NHS was in its pomp it was a sort of leading edge organ Swap Shop.

These days it concentrates on more mundane things… like Chlamydia (see previous blog), sex change operations for confused teenagers and fertility treatment so we can keep up population growth sufficiently high for our island to sink into the English Channel by 2020.

The truth is, as it gets older, the effectiveness of the NHS, like peoples’ health, is failing.

If you don’t believe me try parking near the lifts in a shopping centre car park. You won’t get within a mile. And I’ll tell you why: the exits are surrounded with acres of disabled parking bays. Row upon row of extra wide spaces.

And why are the bays extra wide? I’ll tell you. To accommodate the fat lardy arsed lumps struggling to get out of, or squeeze into, people carriers with back seats supporting tiers of baby seats full of snotty nosed urchins wearing only 1 shoe.

If these lumps are so disabled how do they drive? How do they manage to pro-create so efficiently? In reality they should be made to park a mile away from the lifts, then they might shed a few pounds on a shopping trip, rather than get to the cake shop more quickly.

When I was young there was only 1, maybe 2 disabled parking bays near shops. They were often empty for days. And, when you did see someone parked there, they looked proper ill. They often took an hour to get out of the car because of the shrapnel lodged in the section of their brain responsible for movement and co-ordination. They had knees that had been peppered with sniper bullets whilst fighting off the Bosch in the Ardennes. They needed to park nearer to the shops because they only had minutes to live.

These days you can qualify for a blue badge if you know someone who might be disabled one day.

Naturally I have a solution. Only give disabled badges to people who need a walking aid. OK, Ok, I know what you’re thinking – anyone can get hold of a pair of walking sticks.

Which is why I suggest building in booby traps to the base of all walking aids. Sensors will pick up the reliance of said walking aids by measuring a simple ratio: weight of the stick owner Vs pressure exerted onto the stick.

If the downward pressure is not sufficient it will prove that the owner is not sufficiently disabled to need sticks. This will detonate a small explosive charge of sufficient strength to remove their shins.

By using this method of control we will at least know that the next time they trundle to a halt in a disabled parking bay they will truly qualify for one…

Simples, as they say on that irritating advert.

Next week: How to solve the problem of excessive signage…