How to do everything

I got a book for Christmas called ‘How to do just about everything.’ It may possibly be the most interesting book I’ve ever owned. Open it at any page and you’re offered the solutions to mind bogglingly difficult problems (or challenges, as modern day management consultants like to call them). Even the most complicated situations are condensed into elucidations of no more than half a page. There are nuggets of wisdom in every sentence.

Since I’ve owned the book I’ve become an expert on how to approach an unfamiliar dog, and am now waiting patiently for the moment I’m faced with a strange canine, so I can put my new skills into practise.

I know when to wean babies off the breast, and, if I ever own one, how to teach my parrot to talk.

Finding out if I’m pregnant is no longer a mystery to me, I have no fear of the menopause, and I am well versed in the correct method by which I should conduct a testicular self-examination.

Should my house ever be infested with, cockroaches, spiders, mice, or Jehovah Witnesses, I know how to eradicate them.

And now, after many years of failing, I know how to leave a party graciously. And to think I always thought it was when the booze ran out.

The book also informs me on how to write a book, and I’m thankful for the advice.

My own attempt at literary munificence is nearly finished. I am, as I type, in Hanoi. That only leaves the train journey to Saigon and its done. Except the editing and re-writing after Slash the Editor has seen it.

The thought of finishing my opus, you would think, would be a moment of great joy. But as I get ever closer to the final ‘The End’ I feel only sadness. I’ve enjoyed the process immensely, and I hope that the reading of it will be as enjoyable to the reader as the writing was to the writer.

There’s another section in the book on how to break a Procrastination Habit. It starts with a joke:

Did you hear about the Procrastinators Anonymous meeting?

‘Got called off.’

This is a particularly apposite section. One of the key suggestions to avoid procrastination is to eliminate distractions.

Like reading books on how to do just about everything…