It appears that my financial situation is about to take a turn for the better, and for this amazing turnaround in the Millard fortune I have to thank the Scottish. The Scots, in my view, are a much maligned race which I think has something to do with the impression that they love Scotland so much but rarely live there.
This, of course, is a complete fallacy. If you’ve ever travelled North to that beautiful country you’ll know there are loads up there – the poor ones and my friend Andy (a man whose stature is only exceeded by the size of his bank balance). Which brings me to Dundee. Hitherto the only thinking time I had afforded this ancient citadel was its connection with cakes. Until this morning.
This morning I discovered that the NHS is paying Dundidians (or should that be Dunderheads?) not to smoke. If you’ll excuse the pun: what a wheeze. In return for not lighting up you get £12.50 per week. But how does this affect me? Well, I once drove through Dundee and therefore must qualify for residency on the basis I’ve spent more time there than most Scots. I’ve also never smoked. On this basis Dundee owes me somewhere in the region of £32,000.
I already know what I'll spend most of it on. Sadly, the lion's share is earmarked for a parking company called CP Plus (I have yet to discover what the Plus provides) who suggested I might like to empty my bank account for having the temerity to park in a service station for over two hours. Clearly this misdemeanour should be punished, after all, there was only approximately 1000 empty parking spaces around mine and if 1001 cars arrived at the same time, which I understand is a regular occurrence at Pease Pottage, I would have been depriving a needy, law abiding citizen of a space. I can’t tell you how guilty I feel.
These organisations are euphemistically called Car Park Management companies and like wasps and cockroaches appear to serve no purpose other than making people recoil in hatred and disgust. Here is an excerpt from their website:
‘When it comes to parking enforcement issues, we emphasise the positive. We prefer to work through encouragement and prevention, identifying parking abusers and persuading them through a range of strategies not to re-offend, rather than primarily focusing on punishment and penalties.’
Their persuasion using a range of strategies manifests itself into a parking ticket that arrives on your doormat two days later. Not focusing on punishment translates into an A4 page of threats with an ever-ascending scale of charges if payment is not made within 20 minutes of receipt of the letter.
While I was attending a meeting in an effort to make a living and add to the economic well being of this country by purchasing all manner of goods and services from Moto the service station company that employs CP Plus, they we’re surreptitiously photographing my car for photographic evidence in their blackmail plot and planning to divert my money out of the economic system. Thieving shysters.
Bugger, I’m angry now – and I can’t even have a fag to calm me down…
No comments:
Post a Comment