By the time you’ve got to the end of this outpouring of unconsciousness I will have written in excess of 31,000 words on this, my 67th Blog entry. That is a lot of words. It’s why I took a sabbatical after the March entry - I felt I’d earned it.
But now I’m back. The constant implorations of a needy readership persuaded me to come back for you. I’m selfless like that. It’s the sort of sacrifice you see in public servants. Maybe that’s my calling. Perhaps I should take up politics?
Politics needs big ideas and I have tons of them. On occasions I’ve described them on these pages – snipers, for example. For those of you that may have missed these entries, I’ll expand a little.
My sniper system is genius in its simplicity. The basic idea is to have strategically placed snipers across the country armed with the latest weaponry and delegated authority to shoot people who transgress. For example, someone drops litter one of my snipers takes the offender out. Word gets around quickly in the litter dropping community and I can assure you no one will drop litter again.
It’s such a simple idea and can be applied to so many areas of life that I (and therefore my followers) find irritating. Anagram TV for example.
Anagram TV is the term I apply to TV programmes that are essentially the same as another show – the only difference is bits have been moved about to make it look different. You can apply it to any property programme, the entire schedule of ITV3 and anything to do with food. Oh, and anything involving Katie Big Tits Jordan Price, Paris Hilton or Ross Kemp.
I would have all TV executive offices bugged and placed in the line of sight of next-door’s roof. Any discussions reaching the earpiece of my strategically placed sniper involving Ross and getting him to talk to a bunch of 'yahnahwatameaners' in Swindon would see the offenders brains being splattered against the wall. I calculate that we would get back to original programming within a month - nice documentaries about how soap is made.
There are so many other areas that my sniper system could address – middle lane crawlers, lazy people pretending to be disabled, politicians that don’t answer questions directly (all of them) and anyone with ginger hair come to mind immediately.
I’ve formed the Sniper Party (strap line - 'Shoot to Win") and I’m standing for election in my local area. My logo is a head and shoulders shot of Ross Kemp with a target on his forehead. I’ve been at the polling station all day in fact. Curiously my opponents have been conspicuous by their absence – perhaps they’ve read my manifesto. It does go into a lot more detail about my sniper initiative…
So if you haven't voted yet - vote for the Sniper Party. If you have voted already and it wasn't for us be afraid, be very afraid...
3 comments:
I'm confused. I've been listening to the reports of the results from last night's General Election, and it all sound pretty good. I think voters have got it right. But no one is saying when the buggers will actually be hung. Do you think they will string up all 650 MPs in Parliament Square? Or do we have to hang them ourselves in each constituency?
Ginger hair you say, I'd be very afraid if I were you......good job my bird doesnt read your blog.
You haven't been sniped yourself have you? Haven't see a new blog entry or a while...
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