My last blog entry elicited rather odd responses (e-mail in the main, still no phone calls). One respondent suggested my marketing campaign, you know the one, the marketing campaign that will make me a millionaire by the end of the year, or possibly November, should be spearheaded by the mighty Sprout. Now, in my book, the sprout is the Jekyll and Hyde of vegetables. When raw it’s Cary Grant. Cooked, it becomes the Incredible Hulk. I’d rather eat the trail a snail leaves behind.
But, the split personality of the sprout is intriguing, not unlike the party I went to at the weekend. Now. I’m of an era when parties happened in kitchens and you only mixed beer and wine if you were spoofing for it. This party celebrated my friend’s 50th, a milestone I never thought would bother him when he was in his twenties. Back then he specialised in crashing cars into inanimate objects.
In the intervening years, while I’ve been contemplating sprouts, he’s been accumulating wealth. Which was why we celebrated his party in near darkness. Only rich people can afford not to light rooms. In fact it was so dark, I’m not sure he was even there. That’s another thing about the monied, they can afford not to be anywhere.
My friend, now 50, but only looking 18 under the dungeon-esque lighting, was generous when he didn’t have money and I’m pleased to say he hasn’t changed – his generosity has expanded in direct correlation to his wallet. And he’s still thoughtful, making a point of asking guests not to bring gifts, although he did suggest we make donations to charity instead. I happily sent off a tenner to my local Alcoholics Anonymous Group in deference to his early life. I think they bought some cider with it.
Another aspect to the evening is that I nearly saw lots of old friends and work associates, many of whom I’d assumed were in prison, or at least tagged. Most were keen to take home as much of the free booze as possible – ingeniously drinking it so as to make it easier to get past security.
I received the usual reception I get when responding to the inevitable ‘…so what are you doing now...?’
‘I write for a living these days.’
Knowing that this response tends to knit eyebrows together I normally add, ‘and I’m still doing some consultancy work…’ You know, so they can feel I’m doing a proper job.
This doesn’t help much as most people replace the word consultancy with unemployment by the time it reaches their ears. I experienced a lot of people walking off shaking their heads and muttering pity under their breath. Interestingly most of my old colleagues would have considered me a crap insurance broker, I always did, so I’m always amazed that they should be surprised I’m not doing it anymore. I suppose I should have felt some tinges of jealousy every time one of my contemporaries mentioned how well they were doing, but unfortunately I could only find myself feeling pleased for them. This is an irritating trait I have picked up in the last few years that I am working hard to irradiate. The trouble is they’re all so nice.
Another interesting aspect of my friends rise from financial obscurity is his WWR – Waist to Wallet Ratio. Most people developing great wealth, with the exception possibly of Peter Crouch, see the former expand in direct correlation to the latter. The broader the wallet the broader the man. But, in this respect, my friend parts company with the uber-rich. His waistline has reduced. Which is why I’m not sure if I said goodnight to him. It was so dark, and he is so thin, I might have been professing my deep admiration to the hat stand.
On the train journey home, I avoided the vomiting classes by sneaking into 1st Class. Such opulence gave me the opportunity to cogitate. It had been a great evening, but I wondered what was the common denominator of such a successful bunch of people? Then it dawned on me. Not one of them ate sprouts. There wasn’t a sprout to be seen all evening. It was totally sprout-less.
All the evidence seems to indicate that you don’t get wealthy by associating yourself with sprouts.
Back to the marketing drawing board for me then…
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