The Eurovision Football Contest

Yesterday I found myself watching the draw for the Champions League. To say it was soporific would be a remarkable example of understatement. Essentially, the draw is unimportant because the seeding ensures that all the best teams avoid each other. For example, Arsenal are drawn with three football clubs, each of which would get you over 3 million points at Scrabble. Despite the international nature of Arsenal no one at the club has a clue where AZ Alkmaar play their football - and I doubt many of you do either. Barcelona is scheduled to play Rubin Kazan prompting most of the players to ask why they would be playing the Prime Minister of Israel. Chelsea has to pit their wits against the mighty Apoel FC, who I understand are champions of an Armish one legged hopping league established in an island 60 miles north east of the Faroe Islands in 1642. Apparently a 60 foot lugger packed to the gunnels with bearded blokes married to their sisters washed up on the beach and the first thing they did was put down some jumpers and have a kick about. It’s the only football team in the world staffed entirely by one family.

The contrivance of it all bought to mind the Eurovision Song Contest. At least when we had Terry Wogan we could jointly enjoy the mirth he created by pointing out Greece constantly give Turkey ‘nil point’ and all the Baltic states vote for Russia in case they cut the oil supplies off.

The trouble with both of these competitions is we pretty much know what the outcome will be.

But I’ve come up with an idea to shake it up a bit – why not inject some Eurovision into the Champions League. Confused? Don’t be, its really very simple. In the future, instead of the boring league systems from which we already know the winners lets put in a singing round and get Europe to vote on it. I’m still working out the fine detail but this is how I envisage it:

After each game, irrespective of the result, five players from each team have to knock out a song in the centre circle. Fans from around Europe then vote on the performance. The numbers of votes are then added to score. So, a typical scoreline of say, 1-0 might become, after the singing round, 10,000,001 – 11,000,643.

This will add some much needed unpredictability. Clubs will have to adapt by recruiting singers into the squad. Substitutions will turn very tactical, in that you might see Manchester City (if they ever get into a European competition), with 10 minutes to go, replace their entire midfield with Oasis.

This idea can easily be adapted for the World Cup too, perhaps by replacing penalty shoot-outs with a ‘sing off.’ In a twist I’d insist that each team has to perform music from their country. We’d never lose a penalty shoot out again. Who is Germany going to put up against The Arctic Monkeys? Kraftwerk? Please….

France wouldn’t win a thing either because all they’ve got is Edith Piaf and she sounds like a grandmother gurgling without her teeth in. Italy would be out of the running now that Pavarotti’s gone and Nana Mouskouri isn’t going to trouble anyone outside of Kos is she? I can’t see how we’d lose, although some of the smaller nations might sneak up on us. Don’t forget, the Irish have got Daniel O’Donnell.

Now I come to think of it, why not apply it to politics? Susan Boyle could dislodge Gordon Brown and bring in a new law forcing all women to grow moustaches.

The opportunities are endless. I really think I’m onto something here, but it won’t get anywhere. Why? Well, I don’t want to make a song and dance about it do I?...