Irritable or sleepy?

Obviously the most irritating thing about insomnia is that it happens at night. Although it beggars the question: can people who work night shifts get a daylight version of it?

That could be quite unsettling. How would we know they have insomnia? For all intents and purposes they will be awake in a world of people, who are, well, awake. The usual insomnia symptoms will simply be lost. Take irritability. Irritability is a constant companion of insomniacs, but then it is in most shop assistants. So, are we to assume everyone in JJB Sports is suffering from daylight insomnia?

It’s the sort of vexing question that plagues me. Especially when I can’t sleep. Not that I had any trouble dropping off to sleep. In fact you could stand me upside down in a tub of wasps and I’d still fall asleep. No, my trouble is that, occasionally, usually around 1.33am, my brain jams itself into the ‘on’ position and refuses to shut down.

Rather than lull me back to a healthy state of repose it opens up my life’s photo album and bores me to death with memories I never knew I had – like visits to my grandmother, the last of which must have been all of 40 years ago. My brain tabulates a scene that offers more questions than answers. Why is she wearing a tabard? Why can I remember her smell (musty cardigan) and not how she looked? Did she live alone or with my dad’s sister? Who is my dad’s sister, because I don’t remember him having one? And so it goes on.

When I studied creative writing my tutor suggested keeping a notebook by the bed for such occasions so that I might use the material in some of my work. I tried it a couple of times but by the time I’d clicked the pen and opened the book my thoughts had returned to more mundane things, like, what time is it? That’s the other thing about insomnia: once you stop lying there in the dark and attempt to get up the memories disappear, like smoke up a vent. It’s very irritating, which sort of brings me back to the beginning.

Lots of bustle outside my window now, the rushing hour will be in full swing soon, and I’ve just realised I’ve been awake all night.

Might go to JJB sports later for some communal grouchiness…