Vote Sniper!

By the time you’ve got to the end of this outpouring of unconsciousness I will have written in excess of 31,000 words on this, my 67th Blog entry. That is a lot of words. It’s why I took a sabbatical after the March entry - I felt I’d earned it.

But now I’m back. The constant implorations of a needy readership persuaded me to come back for you. I’m selfless like that. It’s the sort of sacrifice you see in public servants. Maybe that’s my calling. Perhaps I should take up politics?

Politics needs big ideas and I have tons of them. On occasions I’ve described them on these pages – snipers, for example. For those of you that may have missed these entries, I’ll expand a little.

My sniper system is genius in its simplicity. The basic idea is to have strategically placed snipers across the country armed with the latest weaponry and delegated authority to shoot people who transgress. For example, someone drops litter one of my snipers takes the offender out. Word gets around quickly in the litter dropping community and I can assure you no one will drop litter again.

It’s such a simple idea and can be applied to so many areas of life that I (and therefore my followers) find irritating. Anagram TV for example.

Anagram TV is the term I apply to TV programmes that are essentially the same as another show – the only difference is bits have been moved about to make it look different. You can apply it to any property programme, the entire schedule of ITV3 and anything to do with food. Oh, and anything involving Katie Big Tits Jordan Price, Paris Hilton or Ross Kemp.

I would have all TV executive offices bugged and placed in the line of sight of next-door’s roof. Any discussions reaching the earpiece of my strategically placed sniper involving Ross and getting him to talk to a bunch of 'yahnahwatameaners' in Swindon would see the offenders brains being splattered against the wall. I calculate that we would get back to original programming within a month - nice documentaries about how soap is made.

There are so many other areas that my sniper system could address – middle lane crawlers, lazy people pretending to be disabled, politicians that don’t answer questions directly (all of them) and anyone with ginger hair come to mind immediately.

I’ve formed the Sniper Party (strap line - 'Shoot to Win") and I’m standing for election in my local area. My logo is a head and shoulders shot of Ross Kemp with a target on his forehead. I’ve been at the polling station all day in fact. Curiously my opponents have been conspicuous by their absence – perhaps they’ve read my manifesto. It does go into a lot more detail about my sniper initiative…

So if you haven't voted yet - vote for the Sniper Party. If you have voted already and it wasn't for us be afraid, be very afraid...

The Apathy App...

Many of you will know of Slash the Editor: he is the curmudgeon with horns who sits on my right shoulder whispering ‘cut it – too wordy’ in a deep monotone whenever my fingers hover over a keypad.

Occasionally though, he comes out with something insightful, such as the other day when he pointed out that no one actually reads my blog anyway. I think he has a point as I often throw some of the subject matter into conversations with blog recipients only to find a blank face staring back at me. Such is life for those who pose with prose.

I suspect most of you, especially the ones not reading this blog, have written material in your home that has never been read. Some people just don’t like reading. I have a friend Terry, who shall remain nameless, who has never read a book in his entire life: ever. This is quite astonishing to me but it doesn’t seem to bother him.

And anyway, books are so last century. The future is digital. My blog is digital and so will all your books be one day. This worries me. How are people who don’t read anything going to be able to boast about it if they can’t display books on their shelves that have never been opened?

Naturally I have a solution. Well, in truth Slash does. He thinks the digital world is in dire need of an Apathy App. Doesn’t sound much but here’s the clever bit: you don’t bother to download it. That’s right, it ticks all the digital boxes. If you hate reading simply don’t download the Apathy App. Genius.

So for those of you that don’t read this blog, follow this link and don’t download anything www.werewolfofhampshire.blogspot.com (but you might like to look for the link showing Rab C Nesbitt struggling with a call centre…).

Now, Slash may be many things but he is not stupid. He knows he’s onto a winner here financially. Literally millions of people have not downloaded the Apathy App already and even at the discounted retail price of £1 he anticipates he will retire at 4pm this afternoon.

Another worrying statistic...

If we measure concern by the size of the Governments advertising budget they are currently obsessed with the nation’s alcohol consumption. Estimates vary of course but it’s reckoned that booze costs the NHS around £3 billion per year.

A worrying statistic but I don’t think the Government needs to fret.

According to the inter-world-wide-netty thing pubs are closing at a rate of 52 per week: another worrying statistic. There is only reckoned to be about 60,000 pubs in the UK so applying all my mathematical know how I can confidently inform you that we will be out of pubs in a little over 20 years: another worrying statistic. According to my calculations we will run out of beer before the oil wells run dry: another worrying statistic.

Revenues raised from alcohol duty are estimated to be in the region of £5.7 billion annually: another worrying statistic. A loss to the Revenue but at least the NHS will no longer have to deal with drunken sots from the North East attending A&E on Saturday nights asking for Newkie brown bottles to be removed from their rectums.

Another worrying statistic is the number of times news stories use spurious statistics to hammer home a story. According to the BBC Charter 95% of all news stories will be backed up by a statistic by 2015. I’ll stick my neck out even further and suggest that an organisation with a vested interest in the news item will supply the statistics 99.9% of the time.

So, my advice is to keep salt by your favourite telly chair so that you can take a pinch from it whenever you hear another worrying statistic.

But, don't get too glum. Remember, statistics are simply lies wrapped up in numbers.

And that, my friendly blogees, is 100% guaranteed 99.9% of the time.

PS – please excuse my lack of blogging lately but I have been working hard on my new venture www.wedothewords.com and haven’t had time to write my blog. Statistically I am better off working for the new company than I am writing this blog but only when you factor in that no one pays me to read this. However, if every reader donated £1 for each initial viewing and 50p for 15% of the additional viewings thereafter I might be able to give up work. Statistically the first person to make a donation gets 75% more affection from me than the remaining donators, although the first 9 after the initial donator do make me feel warm inside, but only on a Wednesday, and only then when it falls on a Tuesday, which statistically it is more likely to do than a Monday, except in February, which as we all know is a statistical anomaly…

Tooning & Mooning

I woke up with a strange sensation this morning. No, not that you perverts – pride. Yes, after nearly 18 months of lighting up the linguistic backwater that is Blogland I have finally inspired a follower to start his own Blog. Why not go and visit it: http://werewolfofhampshire.blogspot.com/

It’s not as the name suggests about a hirsute Victorian gentleman with wolverine tendencies and a toothsome smile. That said Chris, the author, is not shy when it comes to facial hair or indeed a mane. The latter manifests itself in a Francis Rossi ponytail. Some say the ponytail is shared as Chris and Francis have never been seen together… spooky.

You will discover Chris is ‘in toon with the moon’ or as I might describe it, barking mad. He is a keen gardener and contends that planting should follow the rise and fall of the white orb that the Clangers once called home.

He has extended his toonery to other aspects of his life and now refuses to attend to his Farmer Giles with the required medication (a soothing unction) unless the moon is floating at exactly a 68-degree angle to the pub sign in front of the Fox…

Unfortunately, when perfectly aligned, he administers said unction outside the public bar causing unaware drivers travelling in an easterly direction along Hawley lane to involuntarily become in toon with the mooning…

Enough frippery. Today I’d like to throw some light on the snow issue that has caused untold misery to millions in the UK. I think I know what’s happened. Its not snow at all: its cocaine. This explains why everyone is talking about it incessantly and sliding about on their arses – they’re off their heads.

It’s why prisons and sink estates seem to have mysteriously clear pavements. How else can you explain why there isn’t even a light dusting of the white stuff on bankers’ coats?

There is a way to get the country running normally again but it involves inserting a digit up your jacksy and tooning in with the moon… Next Blog? I dunno - probably politicians, I haven't had a good moan about them in ages...